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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25176016">We Could Be Beautiful</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldenSparrow/pseuds/GoldenSparrow'>GoldenSparrow</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Love Victor (TV 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Coming Out, Getting Together, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Acceptance, Self-Harm, all the kisses</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 04:21:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,119</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25176016</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldenSparrow/pseuds/GoldenSparrow</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It had started back in Texas, when Victor was still shoved in that box of conformity. He hadn’t meant for it to happen, never imagined he’d be that person, but there he was.  Being surrounded by conservatives all day everyday was rough and at night Victor would get home and scream into his pillow.</p><p>No one knew he was gay, so their homophobic comments weren’t directed at him, but they still hurt just as much.  It made him hate who he was, because after all if everyone else thought he was a blight on society, who’s to say he wasn’t.  Yet, at the same time he knew that what he was was something beautiful, something worth waiting for.</p><p>But sometimes, when the hate became too overwhelming and he doubted that beauty, his chest would feel tight and heavy and he would take the razors he hid under his mattress and add to the row of scars that traveled up his side.  The pain that blossomed when his skin split made the world quiet, like he could finally hear his own thoughts, instead of what everyone else wanted him to think.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Benjamin "Benji" Campbell/Victor Salazar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>172</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>We Could Be Beautiful</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had started back in Texas, when Victor was still shoved in that box of conformity. He hadn’t meant for it to happen, never imagined he’d be that person, but there he was.  Being surrounded by conservatives all day everyday was rough and at night Victor would get home and scream into his pillow.</p><p>No one knew he was gay, so their homophobic comments weren’t directed at him, but they still hurt just as much.  It made him hate who he was, because after all if everyone else thought he was a blight on society, who’s to say he wasn’t.  Yet, at the same time he knew that what he was was something beautiful, something worth waiting for.</p><p>But sometimes, when the hate became too overwhelming and he doubted that beauty, his chest would feel tight and heavy and he would take the razors he hid under his mattress and add to the row of scars that traveled up his side.  The pain that blossomed when his skin split made the world quiet, like he could finally hear his own thoughts, instead of what everyone else wanted him to think.</p><p>When they moved to Atlanta things weren’t so conservative, and the gay bashing was less than Victor had ever experienced.  He was able to stop hurting himself (even though he was still denying what he was to the world) because of his new friends, whose actions, and friendship with Benji, made it abundantly clear to Victor that being gay was no big deal. Simon and his constant support and acceptance also helped to make Victor feel less alone in the world, knowing that someone like him was there.</p><p>When he kisses Benji, even though he knows what he did was horribly wrong, he can’t help but feel a little freer.  There was someone in this world, someone physically a part of Victor’s life, who knew he was gay.  Victor wouldn’t have been able to deny it even if he wanted to and the thought of that part of him being acknowledged out there in the world was thrilling.  He did feel guilty for Benji and Mia’s sake though.</p><p>Victor still hasn’t said the words out loud, ‘I’m gay,’ but every day he gets a little braver, a little more ready.  The cuts on his side heal and start to fade into faint scars like the rest, and for a while he doesn’t add anymore, doesn’t feel the need to.</p><p>Then he tells his parents.</p><p>They don’t react well, to say the least.  His mother cries and his father just gets angry.  His dad yells for what feels like hours while his mom sits next to him with her head in her hands.  When he’s finally able to escape to his room, his chest is heaving and his breath is coming in little panicked bursts; and he falls to the floor with a thump.</p><p>Pilar is outside knocking on the door, “Victor- Victor please let me in.”</p><p>He ignores her and crawls to his mattress where he knows the thing that will help him lies.  Victor lifts up the mattress and sticks his hand under recklessly, crying out in frustration when he slices a finger on the razor.  When he finally grasps it in his shaking hand he yanks his shirt up and pulls it through his skin, sharp and quick.</p><p>The first cut brings him back enough to register that Pilar has stopped calling to him.  The second cut is like a bucket of cold water dumping onto him, calming the trembling of his hands and body.  The third quiets his mind, numbing the pain that brought him to this point.</p><p>He wakes up on the floor, stiff and sore, his shirt glued to him with dried blood.  He hisses when he sits up and the shirt pulls on his fresh wounds.  There’s a half full bottle of water on his desk and he uses it to wet the stiff spot enough that it separates from the cuts and Victor is able to pull the shirt over his head.  </p><p>He has alcohol and bandages in his room specifically for times like this and he sets about cleaning his side.  He has work in a few hours and he knows he should probably eat and shower but the motivation just isn’t there.  He lays on his bed, staring at the ceiling until he has no choice but to get up and dress.</p><p>Victor keeps his head down as he walks out the front door, shouting a quick ‘I’m going to work’ before making his escape.  Rather than take the bus, he opts for walking.  It wasn’t a short walk but Victor hoped the activity would wake him up, that the crisp air would shock him into being a normal human being again.</p><p>Sarah is in a tizzy when he walks through the door, “Victor, thank god you’re here.  This place is going to shit without Benji.  Have you talked to him? Would he consider coming back?”</p><p>“I haven’t really talked to him but I could ask him for you.” Victor says.</p><p>He thinks Benji might actually come back, now that they made up.  Thinking of what happened at the dance makes Victor feel warm all over and he too wishes Benji would come back. He’d forgotten to call him earlier with everything that had happened and he hoped the other boy would understand when he explained.</p><p>Work goes by so slowly Victor thinks it might never end, but eventually the last of the customers trickles out and he’s free to clean up in silence.  Sarah had left hours ago, and even though that meant he had to close by himself, he still preferred it to her being there.  She could be a lot and Victor still felt like shit.</p><p>He would have to go home soon and face his parents again; that is, if they weren’t completely ignoring him.  His mind was spinning and he subconsciously pressed a hand to the cuts on his side until he felt the sharp release of pain.  The sting cleared his mind and he went back to cleaning until someone pulled the door open.</p><p>“Sorry, we’re cl-” Victor stopped when he saw Benji standing in the doorway, a soft smile on his face.  Victor couldn’t deny that he was happy to see him, “Hey, what are you doing here?”</p><p>“You never called so I thought I might find you here.”  He gestures with a hand to the cafe and then suddenly looks nervous, “I hope that’s okay?”</p><p>“Yeah, of course it is.”  He remembers something, “Sarah wants you to come back by the way, she was freaking out this afternoon when I first got in.”</p><p>“Oh yeah?”  Benji gives a sly look, “And what about you? Do you want me to come back?”</p><p>Victor steps away from the table he had been cleaning and over to Benji, brushing his fingers down the other boy's arm before grabbing his hand, “Of course I do.”</p><p>The smile Benji gives is blinding and he says, “I guess I could come back.” </p><p>“Sorry I didn’t call before work, a lot happened last night, I-”  he takes a deep breath and fights not to dig his fingers into his side again, “I came out to my parents and they didn’t react the best.”</p><p>“Wow.”  Benji blows out a surprised breath, “Well, first of all, that was really brave of you to be able to come out to your parents. I’m sorry they didn’t react well though, you deserve better than that.  Maybe they’ll come around?”</p><p>“Maybe, I mean, they didn’t kick me out or anything but my dad yelled at me.  He was so angry, and my mom just sat there and cried.”  Victor’s eyes unfocus as he remembers the previous night but Benji pulls him back to the present by squeezing his hand.</p><p>“How about I help you finish cleaning up and then I’ll walk you home.”  Benji offers sweetly.</p><p>“You don’t have to do that.”</p><p>“I want to.”</p><p>Victor’s heart swells at the words and he gives the other boy a soft smile in thanks.  He really wants to kiss him but he’s not sure if he should, or could.  He rocks back and forth for a second before deciding, fuck it, no one was here anyways.</p><p>Benji is shocked at first but quickly reciprocates,and Victor feels like he’s floating, like his soul was so light suddenly that he could fly.  The kiss doesn’t last long and it’s just a brushing of lips but it’s perfect.</p><p>“Wow,” Benji says, “I could get used to that.”</p><p>“Me too.” Victor admits shyly.</p><p>The step apart then an unspoken agreement to start cleaning.  Victor picks back up his towel and continues to wipe the tables while Benji heads for the back, presumably to grab the mop.</p><p>“Hey, Victor, can you come here a second?”  Benji calls from the back.</p><p>Victor walks over and finds him in the supply closet, reaching for the cleaning fluid just out of his reach.  He gives a little laugh and reaches up to grab the cleaning fluid.  When he does he can feel the cuts in his side rip open again and he tries not to flinch or make a sound at the sudden sharp stab of pain.</p><p>He’s just turning to give Benji the cleaner when a hand on his arm stops him, holding his elbow up.</p><p>“Victor, oh my god are you okay?”  He sounds concerned, “You’re bleeding, like a lot.”</p><p>Victor wants to crawl up into a hole and die.  He wonders if Benji would still be concerned if he knew Victor had done it to himself.  Pulling his elbow from Benji’s grasp he finally handed off the cleaner and put his hand to his side to apply pressure to hopefully stop the bleeding.</p><p>“I’m fine, it’s nothing, I just, um, I fell.” He knows the excuse is weak but he doesn’t want to admit the truth.</p><p>“Victor,” Benji sounds sad and his eyes are so earnest that something in Victor eases a little, “Did someone do this to you?”</p><p>“No.”  He replies a little too hastily, he opens his mouth again to say in a calmer tone this time, “No one did this to me, it’s really fine.  Don’t worry about it.”</p><p>“I am worried, Victor, because I can tell you’re lying about this. You’re kind of a bad liar.”  Benji steps forward and places a hand on Victor’s cheek, “You can talk to me you know, if someone is hurting you we can figure it out.”</p><p>“I’m hurting me.”</p><p>The words slip out before he can stop them and Victor curls into himself, turning away from the other boy so he doesn’t have to see the disappointment on his face.  It’s quiet for a second and then Benji’s hand is on his cheek again, turning Victor’s face back to him so they could look at each other.</p><p>“You know, I never cut myself, but I did hurt myself in a different way,” the boy admits softly, “I already told you that I drank. A lot.  I would drink until I couldn’t think anymore, in the morning I would feel so sick.  Like I was going to die, and yet, I did it all over again the next night.  So I get it, the need to hurt yourself.”</p><p>“I just- I’d been so good about not hurting myself since we’d left Texas.  I grew up in a conservative religious community and they made me hate myself by spewing their own hate everyday.  I got better when we moved here, though, and met Felix, and Simon, and you.  But then…”</p><p>“But then you came out to your parents and they reacted horribly.”</p><p>“Exactly.”  Victor rubs the back of his head in embarrassment, “It’s just, the only way I can feel real sometimes.  I don’t know if that makes sense, but when I do it, it’s like I can breathe, like my mind goes quiet and for a second nothing is wrong.”</p><p>“I understand that,”  Benji runs a hand down Victor’s arm, “I wish you wouldn’t though, you deserve better than that.” </p><p>“I don’t know if I can stop.” He admits honestly.</p><p>“You don’t have to think in absolutes, maybe just take it one step at a time.  You only have to worry about one day at a time.  Making sure that that day is one more day where you don’t hurt yourself.” And he’s right, that does make it a little more obtainable, “If you want to call me next time, instead, that would be okay.  Just so you know.  I’m here for you.”</p><p>Victor doesn’t say anything, just leans forward to rest his head on Benji’s shoulder and lets the other boy wrap him up in his arms.  He walks Victor home like he promised and when they reach the front door to his building Victor leans forward and kisses him, slow and sweet.  </p><p>He can’t believe that even after finding out about his self-harm, this beautiful, vibrant boy still wanted to be with him.</p><p>The house is quiet when he walks in but he sees his parents in the living room, sitting at opposite ends of the couch. He wants desperately to avoid the confrontation and hide in his room until the end of time, but he figures, what the hell, might as well get the conversation over with instead of dragging it out. The longer he waits the worse it will be.</p><p> He walks into the living room, hands jammed into his jacket pockets, and sits down on the loveseat awkwardly.  Both his parents look over at him and his mami grabs the remote to shut off the television.</p><p>“Mijo, we’ve talked a lot about it, and we still love you, but we can’t accept this part of you.  It’s not natural, Victor.” His mom says, “Maybe you’re just confused?”</p><p>“I’m not confused, Mami,” he shakes his head in frustration, searching for the words, “Or, well, I was.  Before.  I didn’t want to be gay, but then I dated Mia and I knew for sure that I could never feel that way about girls.”</p><p>“Mia is the first girl you dated, maybe she just wasn’t the one for you.” His dad looks desperate.</p><p>“I kissed a boy.”  The words blurt from his mouth without his say so, “I kissed a boy and it was the most amazing thing.  Everything in me felt alive and I’ve never felt so right.  That’s how I know I’m not just confused.”</p><p>They both look faintly disgusted at the thought and Victor struggles against the sudden flood tears threatening to spill from his eyes.  He doesn’t want to look weak in front of his parents, not right now.</p><p>“You can still live here,” His dad says, “but you will not speak of this to Adrian, we don’t want him sick in the head too.  Actually, you will not speak of this at all in this house.”</p><p>Victor’s chest feels heavy again and he barely manages a strangled ‘okay’ before he’s running back to his room, shutting the door behind him heavily.  Somehow he has his razor in his hand and his shirt off and he pulls the blade through his skin without thinking.</p><p>He goes to do it again, but in the sudden clarity brought from the pain, something stops him.  He remembers Benji, in the back of the cafe, telling him that he deserved better, that he didn’t need to hurt himself, that he could always go to Benji if he needed.<br/>Victor still has the razor in his hand and something deep within him refuses to let it go, but he grabs for his phone with his other and dials Benji’s number.</p><p>“Hey, Victor, I didn’t think I’d hear from you this soon, is everything okay?”</p><p>Victor tries to pull it together but his voice comes out meek, “No.”</p><p>“Alright,” Benji says easily, “Is there anything I can do?”</p><p>“Tell me a story.”</p><p>And Benji does, no hesitation and no questions, he just tells him a story.  Victor listens without really listening and the cadence of the other boy's voice soothes him.  By the end of his story Victor’s breathing is calmed and he can think clearly enough to slip his razor back under the bed.</p><p>“A little better now?” Benji asks hopefully.</p><p>“A lot better actually, thank you.” he lowers his head guiltily, “I’m sorry you had to deal with that, with me.”</p><p>“Don’t be sorry, I told you that I was always here to help and that was the god’s honest truth.  Anytime you need to call, I’m yours.”</p><p>“Mine huh?” Victor can’t help the smile that blossoms on his face.</p><p>“Yours.” Benji assures him.  When he speaks again he sounds bashful, “Remember that day I called you to tell you that you’d gotten the job?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“And I told you that you were my only applicant?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“I lied.”  He breathes out, “There were like ten applications in the file before yours, and you did spill all that milk but there was just something about you.  Something that I knew I wanted in my life, even if I didn’t know what it was.  So I gave you the job.”</p><p>“That’s so cheesy,”  Victor lets out a little laugh and then admits, “I spilled the milk because I was more concentrated on you than what I was doing.”</p><p>“I guess we’re both gay disasters.” Benji laughs happily.</p><p>“I guess we are.”</p><p>The next day he wakes up early and is making pancakes before he’s even aware of what he’s doing.  He knows on a rational level that he doesn’t owe his parents anything after the way they treated him, but deep inside he’s just a scared sixteen year old kid wanting his parents to love him again.  He’d always been the fixer and he hoped that he could fix this too.</p><p>“Are you seriously making them pancakes?”  Pilar’s voice echoes in the quiet of the kitchen, “They treat you like shit so you reward them?”</p><p>It hits him now that Pilar and him hadn’t talked since the night he came out.  He didn’t actually know her view on what had happened once he’d walked away, but he couldn’t see his sister being a homophobe like his parents.  He feels guilty for ignoring her but between school, and work, and hiding away in his room, he’d simply forgotten.</p><p>“Pilar,” He says lamely, “I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you, or really seen you at all actually.”</p><p>“It’s okay,” Her voice sounds softer now than it had when she’d first walked into the kitchen, “I know the way Mami and Papi reacted was really hard on you.  I just wanted to tell you that my love for you hasn’t changed at all and I accept who you are completely.  Who you are is beautiful, don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.”</p><p>“Thanks.” He gives her a watery smile and pours out the batter onto the pan.</p><p>“So...B for Benji?”</p><p>Victor’s hand slips and his pancake comes out oblong, “Yeah, B for Benji.  I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”</p><p>“So are you guys like, a thing? I mean, I know you kissed him already.”</p><p>“No, well, yes, maybe.”  He doesn’t truly know how to answer her, “He told me he likes me at the dance and he broke up with his boyfriend. And we, um, we kissed again that night.  Before you say anything, I know it was wrong. It wasn’t my most shining moment.”</p><p>Pilar doesn’t look mad at him and something within him lightens, “Do you want to be with him?”</p><p>“Yes.” He doesn’t even have to think about it, “I really, really do.  We’ve talked and kissed since the dance but I don’t know what he wants.  Like, he told me he liked me and he’s showing me all this affection but he hasn’t asked me on a date or anything.  Is that weird?  Does it usually go like this?”</p><p>“Well, I couldn’t tell you how it normally goes considering I’ve only had one boyfriend.  It’s obvious he likes you, though.  Why don’t you just ask him on the date if you’re tired of waiting?”</p><p>“What if he doesn’t want me to?” Victor’s voice is soft and slightly sad.</p><p>“Then he’ll say no.”  Pilar says matter of factly, “But, Victor, from what you’re saying it sounds like he really likes you.  Maybe he’s just as nervous as you are.”</p><p>Benji always seemed so sure of himself that the thought of him being nervous seemed absurd, but truth rang in Pilar’s words.  Maybe Benji really was just as scared as Victor.  Could he really put himself out there like that though?  The thought of Benji saying no was heartbreaking.  Victor ran it back through his head one more time, this time with Benji saying yes and the happiness that exploded through him was unreal.</p><p>Yeah, Victor thought, he guesses that he could ask.</p><p>“I guess I could ask him.”  he flips over the last pancake, “I just don’t know how.”</p><p>“You just ask, Victor. ‘Hey, Benji, wanna go on a date?’” She lowers her voice comically to imitate him and he grins at her, “It doesn’t have to be some grand declaration, you can save that for the actual date.”</p><p>Victor grins at her, “Thanks, Pilar.”</p><p>He can see in her eyes that she knows he’s thanking her for more than the advice but she doesn’t say anything about it, just walks around the island and gives him a quick kiss on the cheek.  Pilar grabs the plate stacked high with pancakes and is just setting them on the table when Adrian bounces in.</p><p>“Yum, pancakes!”  He hops up onto a chair and grabs three with his bare hands, biting into them like an animal.</p><p>“Jesus, Adrian, how about we use a fork and knife like the rest of civilized society?” the little boy groans but does as told and then Victor’s mom turns to him, “Victor this all looks amazing.”</p><p>She sounds happy and Pilar and him exchange confused looks.</p><p>“Thanks, Mami.”  He doesn’t know what else to say so he leaves it at that and takes a seat.</p><p>They’ve all already dug into their breakfast when his papi walks in and sits down with them, starting an easy conversation with his mother.  Neither of them are looking at him and their faces look relaxed and Victor wonders if he was just dropped into a parallel universe where everything is suddenly okay.  Days of anger directed at him and now it’s like nothing ever happened.</p><p>Victor’s not sure if this is better or worse.</p><p>When they get to school the siblings split up and Victor goes off in search of Benji.  The boy in question is standing in front of his locker, arms lifted to reach the books at the top.  His shirt rides up and Victor can see a sliver of pale skin and the top of his boxers.  He feels warm all over and mentally shakes himself out of it before walking up to the boy and laying a hand on his shoulder.</p><p>Benji turns and a smile lights his face when he sees Victor standing there.  He makes an aborted movement, like he wants to hug Victor but isn’t sure if he should and Victor says, fuck it, and pulls the shorter boy into his body.  The hug isn’t long, just a quick embrace but it emboldens Victor and he finds himself asking.</p><p>“Would you go on a date with me?” The words come out fast and breathless and there are so many people around them that could have heard but Victor finds that he doesn’t care.  Benji makes him feel brave.</p><p>The other boy looks stunned and a flush creeps up his neck to his face.  Victor thinks he looks adorable.</p><p>“Yeah.” Says Benji, “Yeah, I would love to go on a date with you.”</p><p>He smiles and the whole world lights up.  He’d said yes, he’d really said yes and Victor wanted to shout it from the rooftops.  He felt the sudden urge to lean over and kiss the boy but he wasn’t sure he was ready for that kind of public declaration just yet.</p><p>“So, do you have anything planned or…?”</p><p>Victor does in fact have a plan, something that he’d come across the other day and hadn’t thought about until this exact moment.  It was perfect, though, and he was excited to give Benji a good night.</p><p>“Yeah, I’ve got a plan.” He leaves it at that and gives Benji a teasing look.</p><p>“Do I get to know this plan?”</p><p>“Hmm.” Victor pretends to think about it, “No, I don’t think so.”</p><p>“Ok, well, I’m super intrigued now.” He gives Victor a wink, “Gotta get to class, but I’ll see you after school.”</p><p>A day has never passed so slowly for Victor in his entire life.  He felt like the time was moving through molasses, one agonizing second at a time.  In fifth period he texts Benji after realizing that they’d never set a time.</p><p>Victor: Hey, how about I pick you up around six?</p><p>The reply is instantaneous, as if the other boy had been waiting for his text.</p><p>Benji: Sure, I’ll send you my address</p><p>Victor: So, I don’t have a car or anything and I’m about one hundred and ten percent positive that my parents will not loan me their car to take a boy out on a date.  </p><p>Victor: Is it okay if we take the bus?</p><p>Staring down at his phone, the reply takes longer this time, and Victor wonders if he’d upset Benji.  He knew the bus wasn’t a thrilling option when going on a date, or ever really.  Hoping that he was just overreacting Victor leaned back and blew out a breath, ducking his head again at the side eye his teacher gives him.</p><p>Benji: Of course!  Not a problem. I’ll see you at six.</p><p>Victor: :)</p><p>He feels lighter, now that Benji has responded and puts his phone back into his pocket.  Six o’clock feels so far away but he passes Benji in the hall on the way to seventh and the other boy gives him a blinding smile and suddenly, things aren’t so bad after that.</p><p>Five-thirty finds him standing in front of his mirror, straightening his shirt for the tenth time in a minute.  He’s still staring at himself when there’s a knock on the door and Pilar walks in.</p><p>“Ooh, you look nice.”  She wiggles her eyebrows at him, “Got a hot date tonight?”</p><p>“Yeah, actually.” He gives her a shy smile, “You were right, so I asked him out and he said yes.”</p><p>“Victor!”  Pilar ran forward and gave him a hug, “I’m so happy for you.  Are you excited?”</p><p>“I can’t stop shaking,” The admission is embarrassing, “I feel like one of those chihuahuas, you know, the ones that pee themselves when they get overwhelmed.  Oh god, what if I pee myself.”</p><p>His sister laughs at him and places a hand on his arm, “Victor, you’re not going to pee yourself.  It’s totally normal to be nervous, this is your first date.”</p><p>“No it’s not, I’ve been on plenty of dates with Mia.”</p><p>“Yeah, but this is the first date that matters.”</p><p>And, yeah, she was right.  All the dates with Mia had meant nothing, he’d felt the pressure of passing as straight but he hadn’t had the butterflies he has now, or that tingle of electricity flowing under his skin.  Without thinking he presses a hand to his side, where the old cuts sit and pushes in roughly.</p><p>Pilar gives him a weird look when he draws in a sharp breath but doesn’t say anything.  When the panic clears and he realizes what he’s doing he pulls his hand away like it’s been burned.  It wasn’t as bad as actually cutting himself but he was still using pain as a crutch, something that he’d like to move away from.</p><p>“I should probably go, don’t wanna be late for our first date.”</p><p>“Alright,” She backs up so he can pass, “But I expect a full recount when you get back.”</p><p>“Will do.”</p><p>Benji is outside waiting for him when Victor walks up to his house and he stands up to give Victor a hug.  He knows that the other boy is unsure of his ability to kiss Victor out in public but Victor finds that he doesn’t care, Benji makes him feel brave, so he plants a solid kiss on the boy's lips, sighing into it.</p><p>“That was a pleasant surprise.”  Benji smiles at him, a light blush adorning his cheeks. “I’m really excited for our date tonight.”</p><p>“Me too,” Victor agrees, “The bus we’re taking arrives in ten minutes so we’d better get going.”</p><p>They walk to the bus stop three streets over and when it arrives the two find seats in the back of the bus, for a small amount of privacy that it allots. They talk about everything and nothing and at one point Victor laughs so hard he cries.  He’s almost sad when they reach their stop, for it ruins the perfect little bubble they had, but he’s so excited to show Benji what he has planned that the feeling dissipates almost as soon as it had arrived.</p><p>The building isn’t in the greatest area of Atlanta and it looks a little foreboding.</p><p>“So, did you bring me here to kill me?” Laughs Benji, “This place looks pretty ominous.”</p><p>“Maybe I did, what are you gonna do about it?”  he teases as he pulls open the door and holds it for Benji to enter.  In the hallway Victor can hear that the music has already started and Benji gives him a weird but happy look.</p><p>“Did you bring me to a club?”</p><p>“Kind of,” They reach the doors to the event and there’s a large man dressed all in black blocking off the way so he pulls out ten dollars for their cover charge, “You’ll see.”</p><p>The room is lit up, pink and purples and blues; it feels like a fairytale.  People are dancing to the music and the group on stage is playing hard, Victor can see the sweat on their foreheads.  He turns to Benji and holds out a hand and when the other boy grasps it he pulls him in for a short but heated kiss.</p><p>“Victor, what-”  He cuts himself off, his face a mask of shock.</p><p>“So, this is a queer event.  All the proceeds go to helping LGBTQ children that no longer have a home.”  Squeezing Benji’s hand he says, “I thought it would be nice, you’re really into music and they have live bands playing and-”</p><p>Benji cuts him off with a kiss, long and slow and sweet and Victor can’t think of a better way to be interrupted.</p><p>“Victor, this is so sweet.  So amazing.  I can’t believe you found this place.”</p><p>“I was hoping you’d like it.”</p><p>“I really, really do.”</p><p>They dance together for what feels like hours and Victor can’t remember ever being this happy.  Benji looks flushed and sweaty and Victor thinks he’s never looked so beautiful.</p><p>They’re is sad to leave, but once it gets too late they have no choice.  They aren’t in a particularly safe area and neither of them want to be walking to the bus stop past midnight.</p><p>“Victor-”  Benji breathes out once they’ve taken their seats on the bus, “That was amazing.  I don’t think I’ve ever had so much fun, or been in a room with that many gay people.”</p><p>“I never thought we’d get here, me taking you out on a date.  This has been one of the best nights of my life.  I’m so grateful that I started working at Brasstown.”</p><p>“Me too.”</p><p>Victor walks Benji up to his door and they share another kiss, one that makes Victor want to stay here forever.  He has to leave though, he’s already close to missing curfew and he can’t afford to have his parents mad at him right now.  Or, he should say, madder.</p><p>It’s hard to walk away but somehow he manages it and he floats all the way home, so satisfied with how the night went.  Without even realizing how far he’d gotten, he’s suddenly in his room, flopping down onto his bed with a happy sigh.</p><p>Not even two seconds later Pilar bursts in, throwing herself onto the mattress next to her brother.  She curls into his body, resting her head on his shoulder.</p><p>“So, how’d it go, did you have fun?”</p><p>“It was amazing, Pilar.” He lifts a hand and wavs in aimlessly, “I didn’t know it could feel like that.  I’m so happy I could burst.”</p><p>“Aw,” She coos, “Are you going to go on another date?”</p><p>“We didn’t actually talk about that, but it went really well tonight so I hope he’ll want to go out again.” </p><p>“You’re awesome, hermano, I know he will.”</p><p>He smiles at her and then she leaves him to sleep.  He ends up staring at his ceiling, replaying the night in his head until he finally drifts off.</p><p>The next morning finds the entire Salazar family at the kitchen table.  His parents and Pilar all look tense while Adrian eats his pancakes undisturbed.  He can see the breaking point hit his father, when he can no longer be silent about something.</p><p>“Where were you last night?” his father demands, “Your mother and I didn’t hear you come in until after midnight.”</p><p>“I was out.”  he’s unsure of whether it would be better to specify or not.</p><p>“Out where?” His mother questions.</p><p>He knows he shouldn’t say it, that he should just make up a lie, but it slips out, “On a date.”</p><p>Both his parents are suddenly very serious, his mother’s eyes shifting to Adrian as if making sure he was still blissfully unaware of the conversation around him.  She has no such luck, however, as Adrian is already looking straight at Victor.</p><p>“On a date with who?  I thought you didn’t like Mia anymore?”</p><p>“I don’t -”  He gets cut off by his papi.</p><p>“Victor, not another word.”</p><p>“Fine, then I’ll say it,” Pilar snaps, “Victor is gay Adrian, he likes boys.”</p><p>Their mami gasps and his father looks furious but Adrian just says, “Oh, ok, I guess that’s why you didn’t like Mia.  Do we get to meet your new boyfriend?”</p><p>Victor warms a little at his brother’s sweet innocence and lack of hatred.  He hates to admit that he was worried his younger brother might have been tainted by their parents, losing Adrian’s love would have hurt a hell of a lot.</p><p>“No one is meeting anyone.” His papi declares, “That is the end of this discussion. Victor, go to your room, I’ll deal with you later.”</p><p>“Why does Victor have to go to his room, did he do something wrong?” Adrian looks confused and a little worried for his big brother.</p><p>“Mijo, eat your pancakes.” His mom tries to redirect him.</p><p>Victor stands up from the table, ready to be away from this uncomfortable situation when his sister says, “Victor, sit down we’re eating.”</p><p>He complies without thinking and when his father tells him to leave again his head spins but he gets up and does as instructed.</p><p>“Victor didn’t do anything wrong!” He hears his sister shout from the other room.</p><p>“You know what he did Pilar.”  his mami practically cried, “It’s just wrong and we don’t enjoy having to hear about it while we’re trying to eat.”</p><p>“Just because Victor loves boys doesn’t mean he’s-”</p><p>Shutting the door on their conversation he turns to his dark room, the curtains still closed against the morning sun.  His breathing is starting to get heavier, his chest tighter and tighter until he’s grasping at it in pain.  </p><p>He knows he shouldn’t do it but he has his razor in hand and shirt off in four short movements.  The first cut into his side is like a release, taking all the negative emotions from his mind until he’s just a blank slate, ready to begin again. </p><p>He slices into his skin again and again until he’s sobbing and his side is a mess of open wounds and blood.  He’s still just standing in the middle of the room and as soon as he realizes that he drops to the floor, holding onto his razor like a lifeline.<br/>In the back of his mind he thinks he hears the door open and he scrambles to cover his side, to keep whoever is in his doorway from witnessing the horror he’d made of himself.</p><p>“Oh my god, Victor.”  He flinches away when his sister grasps onto his wrist, but she holds on and pulls his hand away from the torn flesh, “Why did you do this to yourself.”</p><p>She sounds so unbearably sad about it that Victor starts to cry again, fat tears and huge, ugly sobs.  His sister makes a noise and pulls him into her chest, holding him tight against her and he relishes in the warmth of it, the love he can feel. Rubbing his back until his desperate cries roll into something softer, she then gets up silently and returns with a wet washcloth.</p><p>Pilar lifts his arm until she can dab lightly at his cuts, making a sad little noise when he hisses in pain.  He thinks that he should move to help, should move to do something, but he can’t bring himself too.  </p><p>He just feels so heavy, like the weight of the world was once again thrust back onto his shoulders.  It wasn’t supposed to be like this, he was supposed to be happy now that he was out, he was supposed to be free.  He just wished his parents still loved him.  That they could look at him and not be disgusted by the fact that he loved boys.</p><p>Victor doesn’t even realize Pilar is talking to him until she jostles his shoulder lightly, “Do you have any bandages?”</p><p>He points over to his basketball duffel sitting in the corner and she pulls out the gauze, tape, and alcohol.  The alcohol stings when she rubs it on him but he doesn’t react this time, only looks down at her hands to watch her work.</p><p>She’s smoothing down the rest of the tape when she asks, “Are you-do you want to die? Is that why you’re doing this?”</p><p>“I’ve never thought about dying, I don’t think I want to.”  He says honestly.</p><p>She visibly relaxed, “Okay, good.  I need you here Victor, Adrian too, so don’t you ever think of leaving us.”</p><p>“I won’t, I promise.”</p><p>“So, why would you hurt yourself then?”</p><p>“It makes the pain go away,” His sister looks confused so he taps his head with a finger, “The pain up here.”</p><p>“There has to be better ways.  I don’t want to see you keep hurting yourself like this.”</p><p>“If there are better ways, I haven’t found them.” The memory of him calling Benji pops into his head and he thinks, maybe that was a lie, “I just feel like I have to do it sometimes, to stay sane.”</p><p>“Maybe we can look up different things for you to do.  Healthier things.”</p><p>“I’m tired, Pilar,” He scrubs his hands over his face, “I just want to go back to sleep.”</p><p>“Alright, but I’m checking on you in two hours.”</p><p>“I don’t need you to check up on me.”</p><p>“I just found you bloody and crying, do not tell me what to do right now.”</p><p>He wakes up hours later, side pounding and stiff, to his phone buzzing next to his head.  He looks at the caller ID, wondering if it’s even worth answering and sees Benji’s name lighting up the screen.</p><p>“Hello?” His voice sounds thick with sleep.</p><p>“Hey- did I just wake you up? It’s like, three o’clock.”</p><p>“Yeah, I um, I was taking a nap.”</p><p>“Is everything okay?” The other boy sounds worried now, like he can hear something in Victor’s voice screaming he’s not.</p><p>“Yeah, I’m fine,” He lies.</p><p>Benji seems to hear through the lie but says, “Okay, well, I’m calling because my parents are going out of town for the night...would you want to come over?  I figure getting out of the house would be nice with your parents and all.  Plus, I kind of missed you.”</p><p>“We just saw each other yesterday.” Victor laughs.</p><p>Beji’s voice is indignant, “Hey, don’t judge me.  I definitely hear judgement in your voice.”</p><p>“No judgment here,” He laughs for a second time, already feeling lighter than he had all day. “I’d love to come over.  What time?”</p><p>“Whenever? Now?”</p><p>“I’ll see you in 20.”</p><p>After getting dressed he goes into Pilar’s room, walks over, and hugs her.</p><p>“Thank you.”  She gives him a soft, worried smile and he doesn’t know what else to say so he just leaves it at that.</p><p>He walks out of the apartment without saying anything to his parents, and Victor knows it probably won’t help their anger but he can’t bring it in himself to care. Nineteen minutes later and he’s standing in front of Benji’s house, hand poised to knock, when the other boy swings the door open with a smile.</p><p>The two of them stare at each other for a moment before Benji grabs his hand and pulls him inside.  He doesn’t know what he was expecting, but based off of the other Creekwood houses he’d seen, it wasn’t this, although the reality seemed to fit him.  </p><p>The house is small from the outside and looks even smaller once you’re in it.  From the entry way he can see a small living room, an even smaller kitchen, and a hallway with three doors.  Benji leads him over to the living room and it’s dingy, a little shabby maybe, but comfortable.  The couch is big and plush and when Victor sits down he sinks into the cushions.</p><p>“I know it’s not much but it’s what I’ve got.”</p><p>“No, it’s nice,” He’s not lying, “I was just taking it all in, I wasn’t sure what I expected your house would look like.”</p><p>Benji gives a short laugh and admits, “So, I didn’t really think much past actually asking you over here.  What did you want to do? Are you hungry?”</p><p>“I’m not hungry, but maybe we could watch a movie or something?”</p><p>“Sounds like a plan.”</p><p>Bringing up netflix Benji wraps an arm around Victor’s shoulders and pulls him close, humming a little when Victor rests his head on his shoulder.  They choose some inane action movie but twenty minutes in Victor is finding it hard to concentrate.  Benji is warm and solid beneath him and all he wants to do is turn and kiss the boy senseless.  </p><p>He lifts his head to say something, what he doesn’t know, and finds Benji already looking at him.  There’s something heated in his expression and it sparks something in Victor, causing him to lean forward and kiss him.</p><p>The kiss starts off slow and sweet but gets more desperate with every passing moment.  Opening his mouth, he lets Benji in, their tongue sliding against each other slick and hot.  His whole body feels electric and Victor wonders if the other boy is reacting just as much, secretly hopes he is.</p><p>Benji places a hand in Victor’s hair and pulls, prompting an embarrassing moan to spring from his mouth.  That only seems to embolden Benji and he tilts Victor’s head back changing the angle until somehow, impossibly, they’re closer.  Victor is practically in his lap by now and something in him feels courageous so he swings his leg over Benji until he’s straddling him.</p><p>Pulling back a second, Benji looks at him with dark eyes before diving back in, kissing him harder than before.  He wonders how anyone ever gets anything done if kissing feels this good.  </p><p>The shorter boy flips them over and suddenly Victor is on his back, sprawled out against the cushions of the couch, Benji hovering over him.</p><p>“Is this okay?” Benji asks, resting a hand on his chest.</p><p>“More than.”</p><p>Victor drags him down and then they’re kissing again.  His head is spinning and he grasps on tighter to Benji to keep him steady.  Benji’s lips move away from him again and he thinks he’s going to say something but instead the other boy licks a stripe up his neck, ending it with a kiss.</p><p>“Oh my god.” Crap. He said that out loud.</p><p>He wants to tuck his head down in embarrassment when Benji chuckles, but then he does it again and any thoughts of being embarrassed are thrown right out of his head.  Benji keeps licking and sucking and kissing his neck and Victor thinks he may have died and gone to heaven.</p><p>Benji moves back to Victor’s lips and Victor slides a hand up his back, freezing slightly when he accidentally slips under his shirt and Benji’s soft skin is against the palm of his hand.</p><p>“Sorry, I- sorry.”  Victor pulls his hand away like it’s been burned.</p><p>“No, no,” Benji says, “It’s fine really. I mean, we could take our shirts off. If you want.”</p><p>He does want, “Yeah, yeah that would be ok.”</p><p>Benji pulls his shirt off, his glorious muscles on full display and Victor may or may not be drooling.  He goes to take his own shirt off and freezes when Benji makes a little wounded noise.</p><p>“Victor.”</p><p>He’s confused for a second before he remembers the bandage on his side, larger than usual.  Pulling his shirt the rest of the way off (there was no going back now) he kept his eyes downcast, not wanting to see the disappointment in Benji’s.</p><p>He’s still flat on his back and he feels exposed under the other boy’s stare.  Benji fingers the end of the bandage before standing up.</p><p>“Wait here, I’ll be right back.” Then he’s gone.</p><p>Victor sits up once Benji is off of him and pulls his shirt into his lap, fingering the loose thread on the bottom seam.  He hears some rusting and then Benji is back, with what looks like medical supplies.</p><p>“Here lay back down,” At Victor’s questioning noise he explains, “You’re bleeding through your bandage, let me clean you up. Yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah, okay.” </p><p>He lets Benji rip the current bandage from his skin, turning his head away when he hears him gasp at the mess he’d made of his side.</p><p>“Victor.”</p><p>“I know just- I know.” He brings a hand up to his face to cover his eyes, which are starting to water, “It was a bad morning. Really bad.”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” He dabs at the cuts with disinfectant, “I wish I could help.”</p><p>“Pilar said she’s going to help me look for other alternatives I can do to help. So I don’t have to hurt myself anymore.”  Saying the words make him feel vulnerable.</p><p>“That’s really good!” He actually looks pleased as he smiles up at Victor, “I’m glad she’s helping you.”</p><p>“Yeah, me too.” Victor places a hand over the one Benji has resting on his chest, “You help too, even if you think you don’t.”</p><p>“Well, I’m glad.  I’m always here for you.”</p><p>“I know.” Squeezing Benji’s hand he says, “I’m sorry I ruined the moment.”</p><p>Benji laughs loud, “That’s okay, we can make more moments after if you want.”</p><p>“I do want.”</p><p>Benji finishes putting the bandage on and gives it a soft kiss.  Victor pulls in a sharp breath and then Benji is leaning over him, eyes searching, before kissing him.</p><p>“Have I mentioned that you’re really hot?”  He runs a hand down Victor’s torso, from his collarbone to his hip bone and Victor just melts.</p><p>“Hmm, I think you could stand to mention it more.”</p><p>He spends the night at Benji’s, not ready and not wanting to go home.  The other boy falls asleep first and Victor is left staring at his outline.  In the morning, he thinks, he’ll ask Benji to be his boyfriend.</p><p>So much of the world is against them, even Victor’s own parents and maybe once that would have discouraged him, but not now.  Now more than ever Victor knew that he needed to choose for himself, because no one could secure his happiness but him.  And this beautiful boy, the one sleeping next to him, he made Victor happy.</p><p>This boy made him so happy that Victor knew that what he was, who he was, could never be anything less than beautiful.</p>
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